looking at a photograph of herself and my nephew (this happened ~ the late 90s). She seemed surprised and asked (I think she wondered to herself 🤔) when it was taken. • “Must have been fifteen years ago. He looks about six or seven years old,” I said • She looked somewhere far away. • “Adiós,”* she said and straightened her neck and back, looking forlorn, then stared back at the photo. •  I laughed. “Why?” • “It can’t be. I would have been about fifty-five.” • “Yes.” • “Hmm.” She pondered for a moment.

“I wished I had known I looked like that.”

05.12.2014 (scribble date)

we all look + are like that:

beautiful and full of life. Oh, if we could see ourselves from a distance instead of the blurry mirror! And when we think we’re not like that, we can be. Most of the time, it’s a choice we make — I haven’t made it most of my life. The memory comes back to me because I’m beginning to think I am too old for certain things, like bright orange sandals, skirts above the knee, colorful prints.

but her voice and the faraway look

remind me that someday I may look back and regret how I viewed (+ often currently view) myself and the circumstances of my realm. I DO LOOK LIKE THAT. And I am glad to accept what THAT is. There is enough to cause regret today if we allow it; no need to cling to it and heap it on tomorrow’s, too. Instead, I want to lift the boulders’ unnecessary weight and crush them away. Be light and purposeful and airy and free — it is so possible! I am, most of the time, but forget it.

besides, why want to look

like anything? I could go on such a tangent about “us” and mirrors. It’s a curse in my family 😁. But it is about more than the look, isn’t it? More of an “am I all right?”

* A funny (not ha-ha) word we use: it is, of course, good-bye, but we use it differently, like gosh. Which is even funnier because, perhaps, originally, it was A Dios? To God 🤷🏽‍♀️