i’ve been struggling

for weeks to focus + create + be

The last ten days have been the worst: I have not blogged, amongst other things, or truly set myself to it. • Dabbled with the thought of it every day throughout the days — but no. • So I am back with conviction (a strong belief) because reflecting upon it this morning, I realized what I had realized before (often, I must admit): that the closer I get to achieving a goal or overcoming a hurdle, I stop. • I don’t slow down or take steps back. I stop. Plain stop. • My life seems to be — don’t want to say is — cluttered with half and three-quarters accomplished tasks, dreams, duties. Has been, it’s an MO (method) of mine that I dislike.

Yet, I also know that it is easier to see them through

than to avoid + push them away

What and how could I call up internal motivation (something that causes a person to act) vs. external motivation, which does not exist in my current circumstances? Don’t know. • Is motivation the key? • I don’t believe it is. So I am not really back, but forward, without grit or clenched teeth, in an open and free space • willing to at last expose what is inside. • Disseminate words and knowledge and dreams. With conviction.

it’s what i’ve wanted to do since childhood