it’s been a while

i’ve been struggling

for weeks to focus + create + be.

The last ten days have been the worst: I have not blogged, amongst other things, or truly set myself to it.  Dabbled with the thought of it every day throughout the days — but no.  So I am back with conviction (a strong belief) because reflecting upon it this morning, I realized what I had realized before (often, I must admit): that the closer I get to achieving a goal or overcoming a hurdle, I stop. • I don’t slow down or take steps back. I stop. Plain stop.  My life seems to be — don’t want to say is — cluttered with half and three-quarters accomplished tasks, dreams, duties. Has been, it’s an MO (method) of mine that I dislike.

Yet, I also know that it is easier to see them through

than to avoid + push them away

What and how could I call up internal motivation (something that causes a person to act) vs. external motivation, which does not exist in my current circumstances? Don’t know.  Is motivation the key? • I don’t believe it is. So I am not really back, but forward, without grit or clenched teeth will, in an open and free space  willing to at last expose what is inside.  Disseminate words and knowledge and dreams. With conviction.

it’s what i’ve wanted to do since childhood