looking at a photograph of herself and my nephew (this happened ~ the late 1990s). She seemed surprised and asked (I think she asked herself 🤔) when it was taken. • “Must have been fifteen years ago. He looks about six or seven years old.” • She looked somewhere far away. • “Adiós,”* she said, and straightened her neck and back, looking forlorn, then stared back at the photo. •  I laughed. “Why?” • “It can’t be. I would have been about fifty-five.” • “Yes.” • “Hmm.” She pondered for a moment.

“I wished I had known I looked like that.”
05.12.2014 (scribble date)

we all look + are like that

beautiful and full of life. That we could see ourselves from a distance instead of the blurry mirror! And when we think we’re not like that, we can be. Most of the time, it’s a choice we make — I haven’t made it most of my life, it’s why I say this. The memory comes back to me because I’m beginning to think I am too old for certain things, like orange sandals, skirts above the knee, colorful print anything.

but her voice and the faraway look

remind me that someday I may look back and regret the way I viewed (+ often currently view) myself and the circumstances of my realm. I DO LOOK LIKE THAT. And I am glad to accept what THAT is. There is enough to cause regret today if we allow it, no need to cling to it and heap it on tomorrow’s regret too. Instead, I want to lift the boulders’ unnecessary weight and crush them away. Be light and purposeful and airy and free — it is so possible! I am, most of the time, but forget it.

besides, why want to look

like anything? I could go on such a tangent about “us” and mirrors. It’s a curse in my family 😀. But it is about more than the look, isn’t it?

* A funny (not ha-ha) word we use: it is, of course, good-bye, but we use it differently, like gosh. Which is even funnier because perhaps, originally, it was A Dios? To God 🤷🏽‍♀️